It has been a while. In fact, as soon as I disappeared my life suddenly became much more eventful, interesting and positive. I found a safe haven in watching Rupauls Drag Race for 3 months straight and ended up making friends with some of the most important people I know – and will ever know. 2016 was a rough, but very important year including some very special people, I can’t deny you that.
It amazes me how different my life was less than a year ago, how my priorities, friendships and self schema have drastically changed. I feel like I have aged in just 10 months and even though I still doubt myself more often than not, my growth is always something I should be proud of.
*Amazingly, despite talking about how much has changed, I’m currently listening to Youth by Daughter, a song I had on repeat throughout my iconic mental breakdown in February 2016. (it’s a good song though.)
I’ll begin with my mental health, as I never give myself enough credit for how far I’ve come and how hard I’ve worked regarding it all. This time last year, I was barely leaving the house and couldn’t eat out or stay at other people’s houses. I couldn’t travel alone – especially on the tube and I was isolated from everything and everyone. To this day, I still wonder how I survived January 2016 because that period of time was torture and I like to think it only made me stronger. I can now leave the house, I can eat out, I can stay round at other people’s houses and if I’m really pushing it, I can travel on the tube alone. Most of these things are still scary for me and I know it will take a while to get to a point where they aren’t scary but hopefully, my hard work and practice will pay off. I’m resilient and I try so hard, it’s something I’m always proud of.
I’m still in therapy, doing the same thing. I’ve got through two therapists now and I’m onto my third. Having to adapt after somewhat ‘losing’ two people who I was quite attached to has been difficult but it’s made each loss a little easier. I’ve recently been prescribed antidepressants and I’m hoping the combination of medication and therapy is beneficial because I’m so desperate to be okay again. However, I’m finally confident that thing’s are getting easier.
A slightly more boring topic is that I have now applied for university. I’ve also been rejected by my top choices, which is making things more complicated than they should be. On a more positive note, I’m taking a gap year with a couple of my closest friends and right now, that’s something I’m really looking forward to. I can’t wait to become more independent, confident and sleep in later than 8am. I can’t wait to travel and not have the pressures of school hanging over me. I’m most excited to spend time with people I love and care about, and only people I love and care about.
Another drastic change in my life are my relationships with people. They couldn’t be more different from how they were a year ago. Some of the most prominent people in my life this time last year, I no longer talk to and if I’m honest, I am so much happier without them. They became the people who made me feel insecure and insignificant. Unfortunately, their hostility and lack of communication has left me constantly worrying about people lying to me and not caring about me (which is something I desperately want to get rid of). However, after dropping those who were toxic for me and distancing myself from unhealthy people in my life, I have finally been able to focus on the people I care about and are positive influences in my life and that’s been such a relief. There isn’t a single person in my life who I wouldn’t want around in 10 years time and I feel comfortable around all of them. I have never been surrounded by such loving, caring and compassionate people who only ever make me happy and I’m endlessly grateful for all of them.
The final thing which is of great significance and is probably the most prominent and positive change is that I am now in a relationship and have been for over 4 months, with a girl. By dating her, I have become increasingly confident with my own sexuality and I’ve now come out to my parent’s, who haven’t been anything but supportive. Being in a relationship is a constant learning experience and there have been things and people who have tried to get in the way, but I believe that it’s all worth it. I’m in a long distance relationship which is the hardest part, as the distance feels so prominent and difficult – I miss her more and more every time we are apart, but knowing that in a years time there probably won’t be any distance is unbelievably motivating.
I’m also lucky enough to be in a relationship with genuinely one of the most caring, beautiful, patient and funny people I have ever known. She’s my best friend and has been a close friend long before any romantic feelings which I’m really happy about – there are very few people who are lucky enough to be dating their closest friend and every day I can’t believe I’m one of them. (Sorry for the cringe additional bit at the end)
I’m hoping 2017 is overall much more positive than last year. This month has been tough but most importantly, it’s nearly over. I hope that this update has been interesting and that I write again before 2018 this time. I also want to quickly thank Vanessa, Karli, Fae, Keya, Anna Ray, Leanne, Dhara, Zoya, Seher, Georgie and of course Tabby for their support and patience with me this past year as I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with. Thank you.